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Chewing the Shadow

by Steve Sloane

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1.
Judged myself for looking forward To the smells of Autumn But to judge is to deny the chance to be alive So what have I been trying to be this whole time?   Spent the Summer killing fruit flies Spent the Fall just digging graves In the Winter we lament the light we never spent So I hope come Spring, you won’t find me nursing shade   Used to sing myself home from school Used to sing myself to sleep Now the sky is full of songs, constellations of our wrongs And if you heard them all then you would surely weep There are times when the Moon climbs slower Than the bruises in the nail beds of my fingers This is when I come alive This is when I fill with light This is when I am not the singer This is when I learn to linger   I am listening in a different key I am trying to teach my anger not to sing From the telescope of years From a mouthful of dead fears I can see the shape of fallow from chewing on the shadow
2.
I was the smile of the lawn My shadow swinging low in the hammock that my brother bought Staring at the dog inside the Moon Thinking about killing it and leaving soon   The visions started when I stopped drinking this winter passed Now when I try to feel I feel I fail and bruise my ass Take me to the ones who claim That they can hold an unborn day I read it, but I still can’t see How a Person Should Be   February came and left me heavier than January I have only spent myself this year It was Spring when I saw Sheila at the Banya out in Mississauga Still had questions thicker than the steam that brought us there Questions burning stronger than that eucalyptus air Questions about curtains that had not always been there Questions that I question why I question until I’m scared
3.
There’s nobody that I would rather be But I would love to step outside of me You always question everybody else When you’re suspicious of yourself   I am the soft object of my own scorn Obliterated by Seinfeld and porn I die within projections of my doubt But I die in the film even without   How can you leave when you can’t see The exit light the screen’s too bright Trapped in the theatre   There is nothing I would rather do Than sing and dance and molt in front of you But paranoia is now my go to mood Why should the music buy me food?   I am a song exploding in the sky I’d kill to be the shrapnel of your eye We bring the house down with us when we fall Soon we’ll be shadows in the hall   How can you eat when you can’t breathe I’m buried just beneath the eaves Trapped in the feeder Embalmed by the ether A bomb in the theatre
4.
You don’t know your own name How could you know you’re on stage That’s not the energy I want to put out there tonight It’s just a cross in the wires Something that you don’t require   I should call up my mom Do Reiki over the phone I’m just so mad at myself for being so mad at myself I finally went and got help Spelunking into hell Try to break out of the cell Try to rest here for a spell Try to wrestle with the smell Of hope and if it helps Of hoping if it helps
5.
Always went lightly Raised by light sleepers   These days I’m too quiet Almost afraid to wake myself up I’m learning how to be loud   Decades of hair on my ass With the sun roof receding above I try to see the forest for the love   Could’ve used a machete Or an email from the shepherd But there’s wisdom to be harnessed from haunting the h____ I’m learning how to emerge Just need more time with the words   Cold wind On the night I was supposed to play catch   The Summer grows you But the rest it slows you And the Sun is down again
6.
Where do you think he lives now? You think he’s in the country? What are we supposed to do with these burgers?                   Who do you think that kid was? When do you think he moved in? Wasn’t there something so strange about him?                   Want to come to my house? Or eat these by the high school? Fridays just got crushed for no good reason                   I am going to miss that place I am going to miss that face I am going to miss the way he made us call him Hank                   Guess some people are that way Guess some people never change But I am going to miss the way he made us call him Hank                   We should’ve asked for Hank
7.
Threw open the door on the 24 Driving back from the Royal City Slammed on the brakes Just a kid with the shakes in his dad’s car   Some mutual friends and sincerity Can’t remember the last time I thought about letting someone get this close to me I still don’t care about that one thing—you know what I mean   Then I moved away and that’s okay But once in a while I can’t help But beat myself up for fleeing the scene From a realness that shook me—I hope you know what I mean It had nothing to do with you—when I see you I feel seen   These days I wake up and it all feels so far I’m not sorry they pulled you back into the car Because look at us now—that’s not where we are Everything is music even if everything is hard And I promise the next time we meet I’ll know how to play In Your Arms But until then you’re always welcome To crash in my heart
8.
Dance Again 01:59
Tried to write about you But love turns ink into glue Always been my guidance Long before you called it that I hope I’ve been anything to you And we can dance again Soon
9.
I used to dream my blood out of that moment In the car There’s nothing I would rather be Than a Star Maybe then I’d get my wish And shine down on the things I’ve kissed   But real people are really bleeding real blood At the wheel When’s the last time that you asked How the cops make you feel? The birds outside are tired and puffed But noticing is not enough   Then one flies into the window and explodes But it’s about to rain again And wash away, I suppose For now a warning on the pane The colour of the jam I make A signature scrawled on the glass The texture of what we should ask Even if it rains today I won’t forget the bloody pane
10.
my keys are on the hook my wallet’s on the table my shoes are at the door but my feet are on the floor i’m not going anywhere   my gloves are in the shed, where they belong my love is in the bed, where it’s been all along my thoughts are with the dead and my prayers have just been fed i’m not going anywhere   don’t care about fresh air don’t need to feel that free what i believe lives in the place where i don’t care what you believe   fuck you and fuck you too no respect for what i choose no understanding of the life i stand to lose   i am the planet and i am the gravity when i choose the weather you can’t get mad at me it makes me want to cry, but i’m too afraid to cry i would sooner die   i think i’m the planet, i think i’m the gravity the sun isn’t for you, no use getting mad at me if that makes you want to cry well then go ahead and cry that’s no fault of mine
11.
On Roses 04:11
Please don’t live lightly Please don’t live empty Like a bag in the wind   Don’t make me start up a book club Don’t make me use up all of my love For the sake of your inbox   The parade is coming to your door Fill the tub until it floods the floor With roses   Feel the wait of your body Feel the wait of somebody else As a breeze from within   Take a thing that’s not useful And make a thing that is useful Like a bag catching the wind   Turn your javelin into a mast Face the mirrors down and sail at last On roses   You could drink your way out of the sea But the thorns would sneak in past your teeth You could chew yourself out of the turf But the vines would strangle everything you think that you are worth A rose in the wind beats the breaking of skin Arise as a friend, seeking those who can’t swim
12.
River stay away from my door today           Jet fuel scar across the sky Scraping my shadow off the floor again It’s time to reevaluate magnetic fields   Way out in my heart there is a place I’ve yet to chart While it sure feels good to be feeling again There must be some times when you wish you were not alive But that’s okay because it’s only sometimes

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released February 3, 2021

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Steve Sloane Toronto, Ontario

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