1. |
No Life
03:47
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A crooked vision before me where nothing really changed
And I don’t know what I will wear today.
Trapped in my bedroom with the world now estranged
And I don’t know if I will eat today.
Does it ever really matter
When you’ve lost the strength to gather
And I don’t know if I will leave the house today.
After dancing with the devils, I have only felt dishevelled
And honestly, I kind of want to die today.
I’ve been told to get some help—to open up my little hell
But it’s all been jotted down in the Victim Impact Statement.
I said I saw no life flash before my eyes
Because I’ve been waving it goodbye this whole time.
But I didn’t really say that because I didn’t think I had to,
It was carved into my face like a silent car crash.
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2. |
Near Death
04:25
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The street that I live on, I almost died on
Now I know cars can be death traps in more ways than one.
No unfinished business trumps a gun that’s not listening
Shut up and sit still at the driver’s insistence.
I’m sorry I didn’t think about family
Or emails I never thought to respond to.
And scared as I was then, it’s not as I am now
Because there’s a whole life in front of me.
Would it kill me to move?
Depends who you’re asking.
Near death, far from birth
You think that living won’t always hurt
Depends who you’re asking.
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3. |
Forget About Gold
05:44
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He said the password was “gold” and I laughed at the floor
With my face in my hood and my eyes crying blood,
Quite the punchline to robbing a jewellery store.
Well I’d sooner look over my shoulder for the rest of my life
Than be stripped of the chance to grow older and dance
On the grave of the “or” between fight and flight.
That’s when I pretended to pull you back into the car
It was the only way to get us this far.
They took me to a different hospital because he thought I was in on the job
And so I was told to forget about gold
And avoid any contact with the beaten and robbed.
Some things you don’t get to say
Some things you don’t get to explain
And there are some things that you just shouldn’t sing,
But sometimes you do it anyway.
I’m sorry I pretended to pull you back into the car
But look at us now, that’s not where we are.
I’ll forget about gold when you remember that hug on the road
But for now, I’ll take the long way home.
Over my dead body, climb.
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4. |
Let All In
04:26
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Today it’s your legs
Tomorrow your chest
Most nights it’s your heart
That you beg not to speak
All that you feel is pain
But you don’t ever complain about it.
This life is long
But it’s longer when you hold the hurt
You wander after work
Walking by walk-ins, snubbing pharmacies
Get home and you kneel to pain
Like it’s the only thing you wouldn’t change.
We have to have a conversation with our selves
Talk about the risk involved with feeling something else.
If not for the pain what would I have?
You never say “never say never”
And prefer to live under the weather
But it’s time that you heal your brain,
Storm the roof and smash the weathervane.
We have to have a conversation with our selves
Forget about the risk involved with feeling something else.
Forget about pain and let all in.
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5. |
Can't Keep Running
05:10
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Once, in my own backyard: attacked, alone and afraid.
When you scream upon a star, there’s a chance you’re begging a grave. You might see me now, but who knows if I’ve burnt out.
Twice upon a time, I called and nobody answered.
Your mind can be a fear-killing mind
Or let it spread just like a cancer.
Unlace the sneakers and work out a plan
Because I can’t keep running from my life
You’d think it gets better having almost died
But that’s just one chapter of the fight in a story that you have to write.
If the third time’s a charm, it’s because I twisted my arm—no more praying to harm.
When you start feeling weaker, forget the shake in your hands.
Unlace the sneakers and work out a plan.
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6. |
Kiss The One You Love
02:52
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You don't want to know
Me until alone
You're a meteor I can't outgrow.
That's why there's ice in the tray
And cologne to spray
A few records to play
And a bed to unmake.
But for every loaded grin
And every trembling chin
There's a clarity that seeps in through my skin.
That's why the mornings are strange
And I take no time getting changed
I've been avoiding my new brain.
These bullets in the sky
Have never almost died
And they don't know there's more to life than this
So don't love the one you kiss,
Kiss the one you love
Because a meteor could end up on your lips.
That's why there's ice in the tray
And cologne to spray
A few records to play
And a bed to unmake.
And now the mornings aren't strange
And I take my time getting changed
I'm making peace with my new brain.
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7. |
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No mirrors
No window shopping
No puddles
I will not see myself today.
Brush my teeth in the dark
Let the stores go ignored
Stay in when it rains
I will not see myself today.
Cloudy coffee is ugly
But today, so am I
So I pour in a cumulonimbus
And stir my face from the surface.
Some days I can’t face me
And some days I go blind
Some days I say sorry to strangers
Some days I’m just fine.
Brush my teeth in the dark
Let the stores go ignored
Stay in when it rains
I will not see myself today.
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8. |
That's How It Started
04:11
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It was only ten minutes in the car
But it felt like a lifetime
To be honest, that’s when it started
That’s how it started.
Just a minute old, inescapably cold
And at two, I learned that the password was “gold”
Three minutes young, found me biting my tongue
Spent four on the floor in prayer to the gun.
Halfway there, I began to get scared
And six minutes in, I thirsted for air
Seven minutes in hell broke me out of my shell
And my eighth birthday gift was the courage to lift
And it took all of my ninth and most of my tenth
To birth us into the street once again.
How do I live now?
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9. |
Angels In The Alleyway
04:00
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In the hospital,
Alone and far from the trail of blood in the alleyway
And the stolen car
My eyes were split,
But I saw you when I needed it—when I thought that no one else exists
Thank you Tisha
Like two miracles on legs,
You charged the hallway full of fear and loving grace
And out from every tear my broken face had shed,
Poured thanks and comfort only known between close friends
You were always in the alleyway
You were always in that death on wheels
You were always in the ambulance
You were always in the hospital
You were always in my heart and you are always why I want it to keep beating
Angels in the alleyway
I love you for that FaceTime call
And holding me en route to Kitchener
And I love my mother’s womb reopening
My father’s arms around my everything
And the child I almost never met, for bringing life to life
Angels in the alleyway
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10. |
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They robbed me, but I found me
And they beat me, but I healed me
They told me to shut the fuck up,
But I’m singing this song that could kill me
Steven James Sloane
1318 Queen, M6k 1L4
But there’s a chance I don’t live there anymore.
It took months to prove who I was
Though the numbers and the address and the name on the license remained,
It was my face that changed
Not the bruising or the scarring
Or the swelling that was telling of a throat sore from yelling for a while,
It was an actual smile.
You can be quieter than dead
And they’ll hit you and split you and talk shit to get you to stay
So deathly afraid
So sing a song that could kill you
Because you need to and you want to
And you have to and you’ll have to
And you should too if it keeps you alive with an actual smile
Steven James Sloane
1318 Queen, M6K 1L4
But there’s a chance I don’t live there anymore.
Steven James Sloane
1318 Queen, M6K 1L4
But it’s likely I don’t live there anymore.
Steven James Sloane
1318 Queen, M6K 1L4
M as in mirror
6 as in stitches
K as in keeping it together instead of screaming at the dishes
1 as in one day I might regret this song and run away
But L as in I like it here
And 4 as in for now, I’ll stay.
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