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Visions of Pain

by Steve Sloane

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1.
How long will heaven wait for this version of me There’s diamonds in my stomach now But I don’t feel any richer yet It’s only a matter of time Before I fall again Nobody can cut me Deeper than a past me
2.
There’s no reason I can’t be alright All my life was fog upon the lake Nothing but the wind upon my face Hell down in my heart Like an orphaned grocery cart A toilet in the streets Or a kleenex in the weeds There’s no reason I can’t be alright
3.
Time is the axe and sleep is the meal This isn’t how a life should feel I don’t know why the days keep slowing I don’t know why my stomach is glowing Prison is within your best intentions And whatever betrays your attention I don’t know why the floor keeps falling I don’t know why my grave is calling
4.
Evil 04:27
Evil is emptying your fridge Poisoning your lips Checking the mail without a smile at all With blood on your hips and the moon standing tall You learn how to swim as wet as you fall Standing sexless on a bridge Straddling the ridge Inhaling the ships with every inch of your frame A breath in a breath and my lungs fill with shame It’s Monday again and I feel the same You learn how to swim and then how to blame How could anybody love anybody’s love Without some lust in their terrestrial eyes Without some dust beneath their bedridden sighs Without a ship and a couple of guys The wind at bay without our sales on the rise Until one day when you decide otherwise I’d better swim as fast as I can The night is as cold as I am afraid Then out of my blue That’s when I saw you
5.
I see you gazing in the mirror Looking lighter than you should be You’ve been gone for several weeks now And I’ve been living in the darkness There’s not a smile that could rock me So shut your own mouth and let me speak The silence suits you when you let it You will not hear yourself today You are the worst of your misgivings A cut-rate, minor insurrection And that’s exactly why you need me I feel the room begin to tighten As violence creeps in through the air ducts There’s so much more I need to tell you So put that fist back in your own mouth You are the worst of your misgivings A cut-rate, minor insurrection The silence suits you when you let it You’ll never hear yourself again You’ll never hold the world in rapture You’ll never be a loving brother You think your words have any power? Let’s see them desecrate the mirror
6.
Swampwalk 01:39
7.
Made Of 03:51
Whatever I’m made of It’s not from the same stuff that I was last year I’m feeling melted And rather hell-fed Tired of waiting for the sleep that blows me out Whatever I’m made from I think I need more of for the game ahead I feel like a net without the holes A shaky bet between the poles At the very least a threat to my own goals Whatever I’m made of There’s got to be some love or the whistle blows Now I’m killing my time down in the mine Drilling a hole for light to find Whatever I’m made of
8.
My slow assassin Losing money, hair and hope If I could go then I would go Live in the now for now I suppose
9.
Better 03:49
Catching wind of nothing learned When you catch a breath you’ve lost before There’s nowhere left for lungs to run When you live among no lessons in a lifeless corridor I was born on broken stairs Raised to lower expectations The easiest one to disappoint Is the one you wish you were With a little patience I could be better The mind is but an empty pit The wind turned upside down with locks on it A fire that burns until it’s lit And you don’t know what to cook with it Every day I’m wrestling With every night I’m rustling I might sleep but never rest Keep my dreams pinned to my chest where they belong With a little patience I could be better
10.
No Reason 05:04
I wake up in the basement sometimes Though we live up on the second and third floor I’ve got no reason to be anywhere And so I’m not I jerk off in my girlfriend’s sweatpants And wonder is this the end of romance I’ve got no reason to be anything And so I’m not But I reach out with a heart full of music The only semblance of my usefulness My arms come back from the void blackened, cold and annoyed Feeling desperate within but vague on the outside Then one day it all makes sense maybe That’s been my plea to the future lately There’s no reason I can’t be Alright
11.
Wet Cement 05:08
I miss the car and not knowing who you are When you split my eye and knowing that I could die When they swabbed my cheek outside the restaurant None of it seemed like anything that I could want again Wet Cement Last year I sent a story to the CBC It was called “The Letter From My Kidnapper” But then I lost my hard drive and I guess I lost the contest too Because both of us are nowhere to be found but in my head Wet Cement I spent all this money, time and energy Just to miss the car and how I used to be So I made a timeshare out of a memory It’s nice to have at least one thing that’s clear to me Wet cement Wet cement up in my mind Wet cement The only footprints I can find
12.
First I walked toward the dog park And sat alone with all these demos There’s no such thing as running Until you see them in the snow Then I spent an hour with the flowers Until I think I got it right Another hour at the counter After the clerk had said goodbye It’s always time to go home It’s always time to go It’s always time I stepped up to the rail tracks A bag of tulips in one hand My coffee in the other And a day divorced of plans It was noon behind the warehouse But it was midnight on my lips And I may have kissed the train If I didn’t have to piss It’s always time to go home It’s always time to go It’s always time
13.
Will I ever amount to Driving by in a cloud of Hawaii and tunes In the same lifetime That you’ve described without speaking As what else would there be to do? You’ve been surfing the sunsets And singing to cigarettes No man is an island but we And had we locked eyes I would not be surprised If no wave crashed into the shoreline Sad but excited
14.
Red Light 04:01
We don’t even talk now But that’s not the reason I drive with my eyes closed And you still curse the seasons I’m not at the apartment But that’s not the reason It’s because we’re different people And I don’t need a reason I don’t know where to go now Never knew before you I’ll never know again There’s no me to tell me where But that’s when I see him Digging through the trash I feel the light go green And I am free at last We don’t need to talk now But that’s not the reason I dig with my eyes closed And you just let the breeze in Back at the apartment Before I put the keys in I try to taste the air for Any sign of treason I’m racing up the stairs And even though it’s freezing I tear off all my layers And start with just my feet in You have to over sit before you understand You are digging through the trash You are driving through the past When I feel the light go green I know I’m free at last When I feel the light go green Then I know we’re free at last
15.
Myself Then 05:05
I didn’t know myself then

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A portion of album sales will be split between Black Lives Matter Toronto, the NAACP and the Native Women's Association of Canada. Be good to each other and thank you for listening.

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released July 27, 2020

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Steve Sloane Toronto, Ontario

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